From
Knotties Niche:
Dear Micheal,
Dear Micheal
It has been over 2 years since I have heard your voice ( not on video) and over 2 years since I last hugged you. I know in my heart you knew you were loved. I hope you knew how proud of you I was and am. But I don’t think you ever realized how much a part of our lives you were. What a huge gaping hole losing you has left in the fabric of our lives.
I watch David wondering through life waiting for it to happen and know that you would have been the one he would have listened to. We can tell him over and over again he has to make it happen but it would have been you that made him stop waiting and start doing.. He has no clue what blessings he has. And he can’t see them through his grief. You would have rubbed his nose in them till he did. No one else was or is able to do that the way you could.
I see Anthony growing up without you to take him on outings like you use to and know he is missing out on the many things you would have taught him. He still forgets sometimes and asks about you. When you will be home and if you are still fighting bad guys. Then he remembers… I still remember the day right before you deployed when he asked me to call the Army and tell them to fire you so you didn’t have to go to Iraq. I wish I had… His lizard died a few months back. He acted like it didn’t bother him but he buried it in the backyard next to the cross there in your memory. He asked if the lizard was your pet now. I know you hate reptiles but deal with it till he comes to take over ok?
I see Bob growing up and becoming a young woman and know that in some small part of her heart and mind she compares boys to you. Or at least wonders if you would approve. Oh and there have been boys I wanted to call you and ask you to come scare off. Something about a big brother who is accurate with a weapon that makes the boys behave or go away. A few of your platoon mates have sort of tried to fill in there though. She doesn’t talk about you much. I think maybe she is still in some denial. I know she misses you terribly.
I see your Dad hurting and blaming himself because his generation didn’t fix the world, as if they could. He wanted you to have a better life.. that is all a parent ever wants for their kids. And I think part of him is just so damned angry that you didn’t even really get a chance to live. I know I am.
I see your friends getting married and starting families and I am happy for them but a part of me is mad as hell you didn’t get to do those things.
Then I see the kids who are never going to do anything but be a burden on society. Roaming the streets and getting arrested and I wonder why such a waste lives and you died.
In some ways you are still touching our lives. Inspiring me to write about it all so others can maybe have a little more compassion and understanding. Or maybe another family can see that they are not alone and although there is no right way or checklist for this we all have similar emotions and challenges. You inspired me to reach out to your brothers in arms also. One of the letters from the command in Iraq said their first thought was that if it had been anyone else but you, you would have been the one to rally everyone and boost morale. And that in a way you did just that when the guys sat and shared the stories of you antics. Every time I find out a new detail or hear a new story I am inspired by you.
I know you had so many dreams and plans. And I know you would have done it all.
You are so missed…
I love you
Mom
From
Knottie's niche. I have no words.
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24 Feb 2009 One Year
At 10:05am Baghdad time 24 Feb 2008 an EFP (explosive formed projectile)was fired up on the second vehicle in the convoy. It hit the driver's door. My son was the driver. The medic attended to him on sight. Once stable enough he was medivac'd out to the 86th CSH ( combat surgical hospital)where a team of surgeons worked on him. He died in surgery at 11:31am Baghdad time. For 1 hour and 26 minutes he fought his final battle. The others in the vehicle received minor injuries.
At approximately 1pm ( US CST ) two men knocked on my front door. I was at the store shopping when my son called to tell me they were in my livingroom. I knew.
In the past year my family has experienced pain so deep that it is impossible to put into words, joy that we feel guilty for having, people who have amazed me, anger with no outlet, and an emptiness there is no way to fill. I chose to dwell on the amazing people.
Joe, who reminded me early on to look to my son for strength and later imparted the wisdom to let the memories of my son inspire me.
Sgt Lee, who brought my son home to me and then became our friend.
Cliff, who IM'd with me from a hospital in Baghdad and made it ok to have a conversation not about my son. And who told me I don't fight fair. ( We mom's don't)
Doc Strong, Who did everything possible to save my son then had the courage to come to us and sit across from us at a table. Opening himself up to any possibility but giving us comfort.
Howie, Tommy and Peg, Who have all given me a chance to use this voice of a Gold Star Mom to make a real difference. And who answer the phone when I call at any given hour and need to just talk.
Jenn, A BTR host who gets fighting mad when she even thinks someone's word may hurt me. And that makes me smile every time.
Ron, who befriended me and encourages me to continue to write my heart.
Bravo Company 1/502nd, All of these men and their families who accepted us as one of their own and who make sure my son's stories are heard by us. Who embrace us and call me Momma Ang.
CPT Ussery, who took the time to invite me to his home and then shared the details he somehow knew I needed to move forward. His and his wife's friendship is one I will cherish. ( I still want to steal his dog though)
Pat Dollard, who helped me understand that those who we fight in Iraq are not like you and I. I now know what Pokey meant by "soulless Muslim Bastards" They were raised on hate and evil has truly taken their souls. And that my son and all those who fought there truly made a difference in this world.
There are so many people that have touched my life in this past year. People I know I would not have met had it not been for losing my son. As much as I love these people and the gifts they give me, the price was so very high.
I miss Pokey.. Nothing and no one will ever change that. I want him running through the door yelling Mooommmyyy! and asking what's for dinner. I want him here to run my finger through his hair and have him tell me to stop. I want him to fight with his sister. Then laugh because she gets mad so funny. I want him to take Tony for icees and pickles. I want him to trade CDs with David then complain David has his CDs. I want to make his damned chili mac for him like he asked me to. Of all the food in the world why chili mac was what he wanted me to make for his homecoming I will never know. There will be no 21st birthday party. No wedding. No late night conversations. No making new memories. What we have are a blessing and we hold them dear.
I want my baby home... But a year ago they came and told me he wasn't going to ever come home again. And since that moment a part of me still screams for them to take it back. He's gone but he still inspires me. He still gives me strength and courage. And every once in a while he still lays his head on my shoulder.
I love you Pokey. I miss you more than words can say.
