How I spent my Fourth of July
By Hillary Clinton
This morning, what is it?....the fourth of July, I guess, I decided to sleep in late just like any other day. Bill was out late last night at another one of his Girl Scouts of America sleepovers and didn’t get home until 4:35 a.m. I’m sure he doesn’t think I saw that his pants were on backwards again but oh well.
Anyway, I got up around 11 a.m. and turned on Russia Today and decided to have Mamie fix me some eggs benedict with a side of caviar – the dear also concocted one of her famous pitchers of mimosas for me.
The normal hustle and bustle outside today just isn’t there – I’m a bit perplexed as to where everyone IS today….
Since I have no speaking engagements today, I decided that, after brunch, it would be the perfect time to sit down with my Saul Alinsky scrap book and review the enlightenment from my mentor. If only Saul could be here to see me so close to wrestling the Presidency away from these patriotic serfs and instill the sort of State that Saul had laid out so many times for me on his dining room table.
After reminiscing about those good old days with Saul, I can’t help but feel a little blue. Mamie just informed me that we won’t be able to order in fresh tarts from the Corner Bakery as they are closed for some sort of federal holiday today – I have reviewed my notes from Huma for the third time and still can’t come up with what is going on today. No appointments, no schedule at all and now I cannot get my favorite tarts!
I suppose I could ask one of the Secret Service agents outside what is going on but those assholes don’t know their dick from a tree in the ground.
Oh well, a pretty lazy day it seems……WAIT! What in the world was that??!!! Gun shots!!! I just heard what must have been a string of like 18 gun shots! “pop, pop, pop, crack, crack, crack” !! OMG, I’m right back there in Bosnia! My palms are sweaty, my heart is pounding…..Looking out the window I see some young kid running down the street but now he stopped….what does he have in his hand?? “pop pop pop” – are those …….are they FIRECRACKERS? Oh for pete’s sake just a little prank on a quiet Monday morning. Whew.
I really do need to lay down – this has been traumatic. I can’t wait until this damn day is over, I tell ya.