Wednesday, January 15, 2014

“If you like your citizenship, you can keep it. Period.”

From Family Security Matters.

“If you like your citizenship, you can keep it. Period.”

(The following draft press release was provided to this reporter in confidence by a well-placed source within the Obama Administration. Candace de Russy)

Democrats in Congress are enthusiastic about the new "Affordable Citizenship Act" which President Obama introduced by Executive Order at midnight on New Year's Eve. All existing citizens of the U.S. except those who work for the government will soon have received letters in the mail informing them that their current citizenship has been cancelled. This is due to the exciting new grandfathering clauses in the new Act which are designed to improve the U.S. citizenship experience for all human beings throughout the world.

Automatic Re-Granting of Citizenships

As President Obama will explain in a forthcoming TV address, persons who have lost their citizenships can simply reapply for one of the new and better citizenships on offer at the website and at the Acorn Citizenship Fairness Offices (ACFOs) which have been set up in DMV locations throughout the country.

The new Act replaces the existing system with three new levels of citizenship, Platinum, Green and Gold.

Platinum Level: Exciting Opportunities at No Cost

Government employees and their friends and relatives automatically receive the Platinum Level of Citizenship.

Green Level "Obamacard": Automatically Available to All Existing Citizens At Maximum Convenience

Citizens not working for the government will be eligible to apply for the exciting new Green Card, also called the "Obamacard," in honor of our President's grand new vision for the transformation of our country. To obtain their Green Card they will be required to pay a one-time fee of only $1,000, plus an annual deductible of $5,000 per family member, to be paid in advance on January 1 each year. The annual deductible is set aside to cover all normal administrative costs of processing Green Card applications by the ACFOs. Additional out of pocket costs to cover entertainment and hotel expenses for administrators of the program are not anticipated to be more than $10,000 in any given year per family member, also payable in advance on January 1 each year. These fees may be increased at any time at the discretion of local administrators. All fees are payable through the website or by cash at your friendly ACFO-DMV.

To allow prompt processing of your application and for your maximum comfort and convenience, all citizens must remain in the U.S. for at least 18 months before applying for their Green Card. They must then remain in the U.S. for at least 18 months or until their Green Card application has been approved (whichever is the longer). Citizens whose applications are set aside for Special Treatment may be required to spend time at their own expense in Cincinatti, where the Central AFCO has been located.

Gold Level: The Citizenship You Always Wanted

Illegal immigrants and residents of other countries are automatically granted the Gold level of citizenship. The many benefits of Gold Level citizenship include the right to nominate friends or family members to receive their very own Gold Level citizenships, provided only that they are not present in the United States at time of nomination. Gold Level citizenship also brings a subsidy of up to $10,000 per family member per year to cover travel costs to the United States and for hardship needs such as those caused by time spent navigating the website.

The Affordable Citizenship Act is the jewel of the President's exciting new plan to transform our U.S. citizenship system for the benefit of all living beings. In the first year alone, $500 billion extra dollars have been set aside to enable the site to be made available in all the world's languages, with an additional $500 billion for the Department of Homeland Security to finance research into how extraterrestrial beings can be incorporated into the new U.S. citizenship system at the earliest possible opportunity.

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