An Apple a Day Keeps The Liberals Away

From the article at Family Security Matters:

Exclusive: An Apple a Day Keeps the Liberals Away

Satire by Shawn Goodwin



(Cue public service announcement.)

Are you trapped in a lousy, dead end job? Do you call 911 for a nosebleed, or go to the emergency room for a hangnail? Are you a card-carrying member of the Entitlement Generation? If you answered, “Yes!” to any one of these questions, then government health care is the health plan for you! With government-run health care, all of your prayers are answered. Our comprehensive plan will insure you regardless of pre-existing conditions, so if you come into our office with multiple bullet wounds, fear not: you’re now covered! We will also give you blanket coverage for everything from the sniffles to cancer. (Those lucky patients with the sniffles and cancer will see their deductible eliminated!) If you stub your toe on the way to the Welfare Office, an Obambulance will be there, stat! Besides, those rich doctors can afford to work longer hours for lesser pay.

Our poorly-trained health care professionals don’t know the difference between our tushie and a hole in the ground, so the occasional diagnosis will be dead, er, completely wrong. But hey, you can’t make a government omelet without breaking a few legs. Of course, if you think our front-line workers are bad, wait until you see our enforcement unit! Government health care's hired goons - previously known as the Internal Revenue Service – will soon be 16,000 strong, and since they will be government employees, there is little to no screening process. Just show up, declare your distaste for conservatives, and we’ll put you in a cubicle today! And don’t worry about the stress on the economy; your salaries were hidden in bill! That’s why we made it so lengthy. Who in their right mind was going to read 2,000-plus pages of legalistic drivel?

Government health care: When you care enough to send the very worst.

(Fade to black.)

The health care “reform” vote was declared by one Congressional leader as a victory for the American people, the same people who were overwhelmingly opposed to the plan. Conservatitves derided the bill as a job-killing, economy-destroying tyrannosaurus. Understandably, the public expressed their disgust for politicians as a whole.

Predictably, a wave of anger and frustration hit the shores of the Potomac with the force of a Michael Moore belch. As early as Monday morning, conservative pundits were calling for a repeal of the legislation and voters began targeting those representatives who voted for the bill. Many voters believed that the legislation went against the will of the people, and suddenly every one of the 219 yes votes was now vulnerable in November. Liberals need to understand that the average American wants more government intervention as much as they want to see Louise Slaughter bikini photos.

Congress did a stellar job of avoiding questions about this legislation. In the aftermath of the vote, one of the most common questions asked was, “What would the Founders think of this legislation?” The short answer is that they would be against it. While they certainly had a concern for the safety and well-being of their fellow Americans, they would not sacrifice individual liberty as a means to an end. Make no mistake: government-run health care infringes upon individual liberty as much as Adam Sandler films infringe upon good taste.

Strangely enough, government-run health care is not the part of Beltway politics that the Founders would abhor. Thomas Jefferson would be infuriated by this administration’s treatment of longtime allies. The last time this country treated Great Britain so poorly was during the War of 1812 – unless you count the Benny Hill embargo of 1979. John Adams would be appalled by the influence given to special interests and lobbyists. How ironic it is that the man who defended the British soldiers after the Boston Massacre would probably call Attorney General Eric Holder’s decision to try terror suspects in New York City “traitorous.” Had the Founders been around today, they would probably break out the torches and the pitchforks. We are not to that point yet, but the public outrage is palpable. They want to vote the bums out. All of them.